Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son

I took a gander at the Democratic candidates a while ago and I felt now would be a good time to peruse the selections on the Republican menu:

Mitt Romney

Strengths: Mitt's a good lookin' man. He has that aged matinée idol thing going for him which doesn't hurt in our shallow political process. Mitt is also a governor and history shows that governors always have a better shot at winning presidential elections than senators and congressman. Mitt loves him some Jesus...

Weaknesses: Sadly for Mitt's presidential hopes its the wrong Jesus. Mitt is a Mormon and with a history that includes bigamy, golden plates and magic underwear, Mormonism kinda gets a bum rap from the other, more accepted religions in the US.
Also Mitt is the definition of a "flip-flopper"...he changes his political beliefs according to which way the wind is blowing.


Rudy Giuliani

Strengths: He's the tough guy. He cleaned up New York City...taking it from a haven for whores and drug dealers to a family friendly tourist location. He's also the "Hero of 9/11" for his showy resoluteness during a trying time.

Weaknesses: Where to begin? He's as liberal on social issues as the candidates from the Democratic side. Aside from holding a megaphone atop the rubble after 9/11 Rudy really has nothing else going for him as far as qualities you look for in a President. He's a hot head. His kids hate him. He's a marrying machine with a penchant for cheating on his wife of the moment (but to be fair he does tend to marry his mistresses so it all evens out). And lastly he loks like Nosferatu, no one will vote for a bloodsucking fiend to be president.



John McCain

Strengths: War hero, great track record in the Senate as a man who gets things done...with a demonstrated ability to be willing to reach across the aisle and compromise with the other Party. Extremely recognizable by the average voter.

Weaknesses: Has lost all of the momentum he had as the "maverick: candidate from previous bids. He's also really old and a lot of his recent moves smack of desperation. He wants to be President so bad that he'll kiss all the asses he once kicked to make it happen. Its kinda sad actually.


Fred Thompson

Strengths: The dream candidate, he's an actor from a pretty popular TV program so that means he has a recognizable face and...hmm, I think thats about it.

Weaknesses: Why is he the dream candidate again? Is it the "B-list actor" thing that has images of Ronald Reagan dancing in conservative heads? It can't be his record because for all intents and purposes Thompson's time in the Senate was totally unremarkable. Also he has a hot wife and while that may be a boon to anyone else's chances for winning in Thompson's case its a detriment because all the photos I've seen of them together it looks like a kidnapping.



Sam Brownback

Strengths: A distinguished career in the Senate despite only having served since 1996. Is the de facto candidate for Christian Conservatives...unlike Mitt Romney, Sam loves the right Jesus.

Weaknesses: Sam might love Jesus just a little too much. His every political decision is based on a decidedly fundamentalist view of Christianity which scares the bejeebus out of me. IN  the world of Sam Brownback there is no separation of Church & State and if elected Sam's world would become our world.


Mike Huckabee

Strengths: Comes across as really likable during interviews. Passionate about health advocacy after dropping more than 100 pounds after being diagnosed with diabetes. Generally regarded as having been a good Governor. Stepped up during Hurricane Katrina with assistance to displaced citizens.

Weaknesses: Good but not great. Is a "tax and spend" conservative. Believes in "Creationism" and thinks it should be taught in schools.


Duncan Hunter

Strengths: All Duncan has going for him is his strong stance against illegal immigration and even on that subject he gets lost in the shuffle.

Weaknesses: No one knows him or cares to get to know him. He's awkward on stage during debates and he has "angry eyebrows". Duncan is wasting his and our time even being in the race.


Tom Tancredo

Strengths: All Tom has going for him is his strong stance against illegal immigration and...hey this seems awfully familiar.

Weaknesses: No one knows him or cares to get to know him. He's awkward on stage during debates and I swear I've seen him on an episode of "To Catch A Predator". Tom is wasting his and our time...man I have a serious case of deja vu going on over here.


Tommy Thompson

Strengths: Has a knack for saying stupid things (like employers should have the right to discriminate against workers if they are homosexual) and then trying to explain them away with flimsy excuses the next day ("I heard the question wrong, Chris"). So basically his strength is that he's the goofy guy during debates who is good for a chuckle.

Weaknesses: His ears are "Dumbo-esque" and he wears a toupee that William Shatner would laugh at.


Ron Paul

Strengths: Is everything that McCain was in 2000 and that he's not now. Openly criticizes his party, the President and his fellow candidates for losing their way. Is against big spending, the Iraq War and the Patriot Act, he's also for small government. These positions open him up to receive votes from liberals, moderates, independents and libertarians alike.

Weaknesses: His foreign policy position borders on isolationism. Wants to dissolve the Department of Education and give that power back to individual states which won't win him many votes. Truthfully his desire to limit federal governments involvement is admirable but he doesn't convey it very well.