Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son

5. JUST THE WAY I PLANNED IT by Philip Michael Thomas



I think if everyone were to smoke whatever Philip Michael Thomas (Tubbs from MIAMI VICE in case you didn't know) was smoking when he made this song we'd have a pretty damn peaceful planet. Brotha man was thinking outside the box on this one. This song makes absolutely no sense and PMT was just inflecting the living hell out of every other word. What the hell was he planning exactly because I couldn't figure it out and then when he went on that run about "wisdom, knowledge, and understanding"...well I was just totally flummoxed. Y'know what is even crazier than the song itself? The video. In this video, chock full of light beams and smoke machines, PMT is rocking a third eye, dancing like a spazz, and emitting such strong zesty vibes that it would have made the tangy disco queen Sylvester gasp and swoon. He should have gotten some tips from his onscreen partner Don Johnson on how to make a good song because HEARTBEAT was the jam back in the day.

4. NOTHIN'MY LOVE CAN'T FIX by Joey Lawrence



Woah. Joey, Joey, Joey. This song from an album Joey put out around the time he was on BLOSSOM was an example of everything that was wrong with early to mid 90's pop music. The same tired ass, drum heavy Casio backing track? Check. Sappy nonsensical lyrics? Check. A really cringingly bad rap verse? Check. Plus Joey was doing this thing where it sounded like he was singing with a mouthful of oatmeal or something. You can't even understand every third or fourth word he sang.

3. CRAZY FOR YOU by David Hasselhoff



What the hell is wrong with Germans? First they blindly follow a diminutive troll with bad facial hair and one testicle and then they make David Hasselhoff a pop star. Something in the ale aint clean, people. Look I like The Hoff; KNIGHT RIDER was one of my favorite shows as a kid but the man can't sing. At all. And with this song he he takes his musical hackery a step further because he sampled from the Village People (I am hearing traces of YMCA myself) of all musical acts. That is scraping the bottom of the swiping barrel.

2. STRUT by Steven Seagal



Karate Man does Dancehall!!!!! The beat for this song makes we want to start doing the butterfly and dutty wine and pon da river and any other Afro-Caribbean dance I can think of and it features Lady Saw (a personal favorite Dancehall artist of mine) but then Seagal starts to sing about "wanting the punani" and I am no more good. This song is just too much for a sane person to bear...I can barely type this because I have the song playing and Steven is distracting the living hell out of me with his tomfoolery. And who told him to start singing dancehall anyway? I thought Seagal was into that bluesy/folksy stuff and then he comes out of left field with lyrics about "covering the kitty". My eyebrow is cocked like the Rock in your general direction, Steve.

1. HONESTY by Corey Feldman



Have you ever wondered what would happen if a white guy with no trace of rhythm or musical talent tried his hand at some Teddy Riley inspired New Jack Swing? Well wonder no more because Corey Feldman provides the answer while warbling his way towards one of the shittiest performances ever recorded. And the biggest shock is that even after this fiasco (which would have stopped any sane individual from singing ever again) Corey just kept right on plugging away. He's still doing the music thing, putting his horrible masterworks on all the social networking sites littered across the intertubes in the hopes of one day getting his big break as a music artist.
That is dedication. Oh well, at least he has stopped the Michael Jackson dance impression he was trotting out many, many years after Mike's star had fallen.